ughhh robin
by hoovahoopah
Summary: when emma meets robin she laughs and laughs and laughs. in which robin drives a silver 2011 prius. and emma falls in love with regina.


when emma meets robin she laughs and laughs and laughs. because really? because that fucking green fairy is full of fucking shit. it starts as this awful game of i'll show you mine if you show me yours, until regina is totally fed up and so sick of watching the two of them doing push ups and heavy lifting in their muscle shirts like two adolescent boys.

"we're trying it out." is what regina says. and tinkerbell is like annoyingly excited about it. like she fucking invented the fucking wheel right. and who does she think she is. telling regina she's supposed to be with robin. that he's going to make her happy. because he's worse than what's his name in that thor movie. with his bulging muscles and his crystalline eyes and his scruffy face and ughhh.

and emma tells herself she's not jealous, but she sort of is, because this dude's biceps are like twice the size of her head and his teeth are like ridiculously white, but isn't that sort of gross because ugh. and what is bodybuilding really.

and she's even more grossed out by the fact that david is sort of like bromantically enamored with this dude. because god, what even dad. they're always high fiving and laughing with their chesticular manly laughter and it's _gross_.

regina doesn't seem to pay attention to robin all that much, but god damn it, sometimes she smiles at him and holds his hand and that shouldn't upset emma that much. but smiles are reserved for henry and her, thank you very much. or, well, really henry. because it's not like emma can lay claim to anything. and even if she could, if she did, regina would probably bite her head off or give her another one of those apples, or threaten to kill her parents again. and shit, that's a road emma does not want to travel down right now.

and then it's like robin wants to be her _friend. _and he's not an awful guy right, it's just that he's sort of regina's guy or whatever, and that's like 100% not okay. and it's like if regina's happy because regina is so pretty when she's happy. but she doesn't really seem happy. she just seems like she wants to be happy but there's this hunky douchebag in her way. and like of all the things, emma thought the last thing regina would let anyone do is dictate another relationship in her life. but something has been totally off since robin appeared in storybrooke and until further notice, emma is blaming tink and fairies and pixie dust and god, regina is pretty when she smiles.

so then it starts, and all emma wants to do is make regina smile. for forever. so she starts paying attention. and bringing casual lunches to the mayor's office. because at lunchtime robin is way busy chasing things through the woods to maintain his manly physique. puke. and little things. like when mary ma- mom, makes baked apples and there are a few extras, emma snags one and leaves it in a little tinfoil wrap on regina's desk. and she fucking wishes she was there to watch regina find it. because she would like to think regina smiled.

and then one day, when she's tripping over foliage in the woods with henry, she stumbles upon a patch of wildflowers. purple, like regina's magic. and it makes her smile and it makes her tummy do funny things. so she picks a few. and leaves them on regina's desk with a little yellow ribbon tied around the stems. and it's supposed to be casual right, because friends leave friends pretty flowers that look like their magic which in turn means they look like that friend's emotions and feelings and innermost thoughts, and that's not intimate at all. it's really casual and friend-like. so why are emma's hands shaking the whole time she punches in regina's security code and tiptoes to her desk.

"why, miss swan, i think you're trying to impress me."

and she freezes because shit this was not anything emma planned for. so she turns and holds out a hand full of wildflowers and stammers and stutters until regina saunters forward and takes them. and kisses emma's cheek. until her face burns red. and then says something about water and a vase and then this fucking asshole is bumbling through the office door and emma is so completely lost that her mouth opens and closes a few times before she barrels forward because she feels like she's suffocating and she has. to. get. out. she is vaguely aware of regina calling her name, but it's like she's underwater. or maybe that's just the crying.

when regina apologizes four days later, it's with a kiss. a sweet sweet kiss that has emma walking on the fluffiest clouds. and it's weeks and months and weeks of sweet sweet kisses and some not so sweet but equally as exciting kisses and avoiding the topic of the person regina is supposedly in a relationship with until they get caught. by emma's mom. and that is like so _ew_.

and there's a lecture. well, there are a few lectures. one about responsibility. one about defiling daughters. one about being defiled by evil queens. and one about true love. which is just sort of confusing and emma finds that she's not really listening anymore. and just to shut mary margaret up, regina pulls emma forward and kisses her again. kisses her like it's all she wants to do. until mary margaret throws up her hands and storms out of regina's office. and then regina is pulling away and buttoning up her crisp white blouse and saying she'll see emma tomorrow. and emma feels something inside of her break and she's pointing a finger at regina and saying things like "how can you be so casual about this, do i not mean anything to you."

regina tries to pretend she doesn't care, but emma knows better because of the way regina clutches her jacket in both hands when they kiss, until her knuckles turn white and emma has to warn her, breathlessly, about what's going to happen if regina ruins the leather. and that makes regina moan. and shit, it's just such a fucking mess.

regina yells back because that's something she is incredibly good at. she even smashes the vase of wildflowers against the wall and if emma wasn't pissed already, that would be the straw that broke the camel's back. but she's striding across the office then, her shirt hanging open still, until regina's backed up against the desk and emma's forehead is pressed to hers and she's breathing heavy and her breath hitches and emma's a fucking goner. and so is regina really because she's hitching herself up onto her desk and hiking up her skirt so emma can stand between her legs. so emma can press her hips against regina's. so emma can fucking thrust her hips forward until regina moans and pulls her close.

"tell me you love me too. tell me you love me like i love you."

emma can barely breathe and her heart is hammering in her ears. she's pulling lace aside and sliding her fingers through warmth and wetness and fuck, that's regina. she's touching regina. and regina is gasping and mewling and writhing and every so often she lets a tiny whimpering _please_ roll off her lips.

"tell me you love me." emma's first two fingers are circling regina's clit, slipping against wet velvet flesh, and her hips are rolling forward against her wrist, against regina.

"i can't." regina doesn't stop her, doesn't do anything but moan and nip at emma's lips.

"but you do." emma pauses, taps a gentle rhythm against regina's clit, makes her squirm and whine and bite her lip. she doesn't give regina a chance to reply, doesn't give her a chance to breathe before she thrusts in with two fingers. and regina cries out and clutches emma's silk blouse in her hands like a fucking lifeline. and then she's inside regina, sliding home, like there was never anything else in the entire fucking world. and regina's breath keeps catching and her chest is heaving and emma doesn't know what any of it means besides the fact that she's going to get regina off while her hunky idiot boyfriend is running through the woods like an animal.

her other hand moves to the back of regina's head, grabbing a fistful of silky hair to gracelessly pull regina's face toward hers for another kiss. she almost misses regina's _i do_, because she's busy trying to shove her tongue down regina's throat again. but when it registers, she can't help her gasp of surprise, and the way she thrusts a little harder, a little deeper. she just wants to be closer to regina, to feel all of her, and when regina comes, she pulls emma with her as she falls back against her desk.

all emma can hear is her name, over and over and over again. _emma emma emma_. and she does her best to stumble out of her jeans and clamber back on top of regina. and then she's straddling one of regina's thighs and oh god, oh god, oh god.

emma doesn't mean to, but she can't help it. she can't help it when regina is laying beneath her, totally blissed out, but she says it. she says it without thinking.

"i love you."

next thing emma knows she's pantsless and on the ground. and regina is pulling her skirt back down and telling emma to leave. and then emma's shouting and regina's shouting. and throwing things again. and emma is shoving her legs back into her jeans as quickly as she can, dodging vases and paperweights all the while.

it's another four days before they see each other again. emma thought about texting once when she watched a few episodes of it's always sunny and wanted to tell regina how much like the hot waitress and charlie they are. even though regina firstly, wouldn't understand the reference. and secondly, wouldn't care. and thirdly, gave emma the worst fucking case of blueballs like ever. which isn't really fair because regina has absolutely no responsibility to get emma off. but also why.

emma's on a run, jogging down main street when she sees regina. and robin. holding hands. like they just have to prove it. and emma wants to be sick. because she remembers the way regina feels and the way regina's face looks when she comes, and she thinks that she's only seen it once and robin's had like countless - ughh. so she runs faster until the cold air burns her lungs and until she has to stop, hunched over on the curb. she loses her lunch too, it was only a matter of time. so she wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and walks back to the apartment.

regina's a pain in the ass. so it would make sense that the next time emma sees her is at a meeting. that is long and boring. and all emma can do the whole time is stare at regina. regal and in charge and beautiful. and it's glorious and wonderful. until emma spots the hickey just beneath regina's ear. she's sick all over again. but she makes it to the bathroom just down the hall. she splashes cold water on her face and rinses out her mouth, pops a piece of gum and glares at her reflection.

and then regina's there. locking the door, wrapping an arm around emma's waist and whispering things in her ear. her hand splays across emma's stomach and she says something absurdly explicit and emma moans. she pops the button of emma's jeans and slips her other hand inside. she's not gentle, not at all, and emma cries regina's name over and over again. until she can hear running water. until she looks down and sees regina is washing her hands, her arms still wrapped around emma's middle. she presses a kiss at the base of emma's neck, an apology, before she slips from the room.

after that, there's the back of the bug, the front of the benz, emma's apartment after henry's gone to bed, the bathroom at the rabbit hole, and a particularly risky rendezvous in regina's study between three and six. which emma promptly ruins by expressing her dislike for regina's current beau. and then robin ruins again by coming home just as emma thinks they're maybe going to make up before emma has to get home. sometimes emma thinks regina gets off on the secrecy. she totally does. emma, not so much.

robin confronts her. finally. because everyone else knew. except robin. which is sort of sad, considering. but then emma remembers that he's maybe dumber than her dad. which is unfair too. but also true. so there's a public confrontation and regina's begging robin to _please think about what you're doing_ and _please let's just go home_ because he lives there now. and emma is shouting things like _do you even love her_ and _how dare you threaten me_ and tink is hovering like she just needs to be involved. mary margaret is on standby with things like _emma honey let's just walk it off_.

emma finds absolutely none of this productive.

regina shows up after midnight, tear-streaked and mascara smudged. and emma doesn't really say anything. just steps aside and lets her in. because isn't that what you do when your friends show up on your doorstep.

but then regina kisses her and cries some more and tells her that robin left. and emma wishes that robin wasn't such a fucking dick. and wishes that the prospect of having a girlfriend fairy to gab with and giggle about true love with wasn't so seductive to regina. because maybe this whole situation could have been avoided. because this isn't regina. but it is regina. it's sweet sweet regina. to match sweet sweet henry. and in turn sweet sweet emma. and that's right isn't it?

"i just wanted to be happy."

and emma feels her heart break. because she knows. she knows she knows she knows. and why does it always hurt. it hurts like playgrounds and middle school and not wanted. it hurts like baby boy and blue blankets and empty. it hurts like henry's smiles sometimes do and emma nods.

"but why let tink tell you what happiness is."

"because of magic," and regina's sniffling and hugging herself and emma shoves her hands deep into her pockets.

"fuck magic," emma kicks at a crooked floorboard and looks up seriously. "in the rest of the world, you find it yourself. you don't let someone dictate it to you. because that's fucked. then it's not yours."

regina launches herself forward until emma's solid and human and warm against her. until she can slip her cold trembling hands up underneath emma's shirt and press her palms against the warm skin of emma's back. and emma shivers and smiles and nods.

when robin packs up his silver 2011 prius and rolls out of town. emma laughs and laughs and laughs. she stands on the front stoop, regina in her arms. and watches the silent car roll out of town, awesome gas mileage and all. she rests her chin on regina's shoulder and sips her coffee.

"guess i'm gonna have to head out to the town limits to drag your sorry coma'd out ex back to the hospital, huh?"

and regina laughs and laughs and laughs.


End file.
